From the Sentimental Times: European scientists were shocked this weekend when the dog Παυλος lapsed into a coma. “Destruction of his immune system keeps unstoppably happening, despite the attempts that have been made to stop that,” a British chemist said. “He’s been denied food and exercise, but recovery continually fails to occur.” The experiment began last year, when Παυλος was found on a busy Brussels street corner. “The only way to get him back to a normal state was a kind of, how do you say, ‘shock therapy,’” the German representative said. “He’d been irresponsible, to get lost like this.” Παυλος is currently receiving nutrients via an IV drip, but the Norwegian veterinarian stated that it will be removed when he wakes up. An Italian biochemist released a statement: “I feel for Παυλος’ plight. I have a dog of my own. But my dog is under control. There’s nothing to see at my home. All dogs should be treated well. But sometimes they must be disciplined.” Many people have come forward claiming that Παυλος bit them. “You can’t just let dogs roam the street like that,” a German claimant claimed, “I mean, what next? Irresponsibility like that must be put down, yes?” A French biochemist told The Sentimental Times that “Παυλος is fighting all the necessary measures. I hope, for his sake, that he can pull through. The lab’s funding depends on it.”


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